before leaving for the show I had that moment of panic. like i knew everything was going ot collapse and it was starting already, only by my will could I hold anything together. i had to hold the doorframe at right angles as i said goodbye to my roommate, i thought she would say somehting about how it sagged and bent, but she just said she would feed my cat, good luck at the show. i ducked underneath and let it drop behind me. I can't control everything after all.
the fear can't possibly own me. if it did I wouldn't be who I am. I would be some crazy cat lady, I would be my sister, my mom, i would be that kinda-homeless lady who sells real change outside madison market. I wouldn't be me though. fear, intimidation, sadness, none of these things should actually affect how I end up livin gmy life.
I didn't realize we were starting to play.
i had just opened my second beer.
i didn't realize everyone's instruments would be so scattered around the room, i had to choose a spot at almost random, i wasn't plugged into any power source, no amplificatuon past my abused, wrinkled lungs.
i chose a spot with room for me and a holding spot for my beer. Jody was a doll and reminded me that I should be near the tape deck.
tape deck?
so others can hear our noise?
so others can hear my plaintative bleatiing and whining?
i play with the full knowledge that I can barely be heard. I started near the back but reveled in my freedom of movement. my beer and i sauntered to the front. just in time for our love supreme cover.
this cover has put me into hyperventilation. how can a crappy saxophonist cover anythign by coltrain? you don't COVER coltraine! you adore and worship coltrain!
luckily my nervousness disapeared after a half a big boy of the jasmine IPA. that's how much it takes to objectively realize that reality is melting while not screaming and crying.
people make my reality melt.
hades doesn't
the show went great s far as I can tell. don't get me wrong, there was a max of 10 people there at one time. but everything went well. the birthday girl seemed to love it. and hey, that's what it was there for.
i just need to drink more.
